I've found it!!!

It has been 26 years, 3 months, 8 days, 18 hours and 19 minutes since I've embarked on this journey of life. Every single human being ever conceived into this world has been on the same journey and has had the same underlying mutual, simplistic, involuntary goal; to find the meaning of life. At the end of your life you may hope to have found many things; happiness, a family, a successful career, lots and lots of effortlessly earned money (which is very rare, from what I hear), maybe the perfect key lime pie? No matter how hard you look I think you'll find that very few people really find everything they look for in life; why is that do you suppose? Is it because people are inherently lazy and like to pass on the blame (which by the way has only one exception, the past 8 years under Bush, in that scenario you're not lazy, just stupid), or do you think it's because deep down we really don't want to find all the things we hope to find? Those have to be the only possible scenarios... either because you're lazy or not that sincere about what you want. In a sense those two things seem the same; for instance, they both have a semantically based relationship with what they are referring to as being portrayed in the grammatically structured subject matter.
Whatever the reason you will give at the end of your life, I'm willing to place bets that many people lie on their death bed and regret one thing or another that happened in their life. Would it be worth doing; regretting? Is it worth looking back in your life wishing you had done something different, or does that fall into the "lazy" category? Of course I don't mean that people on their death beds are lazy for not doing something about what they regret not doing, but I do think that for whatever reason, whatever they might regret doing is part of their own fault. "But Phil, how can you say that about someone on their death bed, they are dying, how can they be to blame for something they can't do anything about?"?(That was me asking a question for you) Well, to that I might say, metaphorically, I am not talking about them, I'm talking about YOU! (Note to readers, if you're reading this on your death bed, thank you for your loyalty and for making reading my blog as much as possible a life goal).
What I'm saying, is that everything you do in life should be for a reason; be it working to support your family, working to support your lavish lifestyle which you can't afford, trying to find a hobby that will keep you busy until you realize how much time you've wasted. For whatever you live for, make it worth while, and make it count, because you're only going to get one shot in this life, so make it count. (another note to readers, if you believe in reincarnation and argue Oh, but I will get another shot, then I'm sorry, but "another shot" would indicate that you can go back and try again, well my friend you are sadly mistaken, because being reincarnated isn't a "do-over", it's a resultant of how you live your life, so I'M STILL RIGHT!!!) ME? I'm going to think long and hard about what it is I might regret at the end of my life (this way I can prepare my excuses in advance...), because if I take the time now to plan ahead what it is I might not want, then I can bring myself back to reality and realize what it is that really matters to me. I need to separate the things that I want or need or wish I had, I need to give myself reasons for doing what I do, and I need to set the facts straight with my conscious so I give my life a purpose, which is what i have found to be the reason to live!
God bless, and Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Two strings attached at different parts of the surface; each having a ball tied to the end and the two are connected to each other. United as one they are a perfect match. While their roots were secured at different points, their unity reflects the changes they took on to come together.

Once their roots were straight and separate, now they are curved towards each other, pointing to the marriage that united them. They are happily together, and with their roots fastened tight to the surface they are secure and confident that they will always be together.

Many couples like it share the same union. Some are yet to join; flailing about their single appearance, they swing from side to side. Some have been joined forever, never to budge an inch. The most beautiful of them all, is us!

We share our time suspended above eternity. Peering down we become weary at what would happen if either of us were to fall. The forever falling would be death in itself. The separation caused by nature is somehow the most painful! Being pushed away is cumbersome and dreary, but the pain remains as a feeling. Being taken away hurts at first, but the pain subsides when we are released to go about and once again merge into our bond. Yet the most painful is the most beautiful.

The separation is breathtaking at best, agonizing beyond comprehension at worst; never in between. Being ripped away, leaving debris behind for the others to clean up. Who knows if it’s painful for them? I do not know, because I am now forever falling in silence. The beauty is now apparent and beyond comparison! Everything is still in view, just as it always was. The perspective is different, though, much different than I had imagined. It’s like you’re right there in front of me, yet I cannot touch you as I always could. You’re voice sounds as sweet in my memory as it always had, and your touch is… missing. You’re now alone, swinging in the dark, left to make sense of what is now left for you; life.

Confusion sets in as the realization begins to mark its place on the horizon, which is now quickly fading. I’m falling yet I remain in place for all to see, waiting for the time to come where I’m gently plucked out of the sky by the one who placed me. Until that day, you can see me as a shimmering light, visiting you on a clear night, to remind you again that I’ll always be with you.




Please remember those you love!

birth story of a baby by Phil

As if trying to see past the liquid that poured out as it emerged, the child was face up and looking right at me; eyes squinted, face wrinkled with the attempt to cry; bordering the life inside it’s mothers womb and the life we were about to introduce. There was something special about this life we bore on the 31^st day of October, 2007, something that was different than the last child two years and four months before. Not that this new child is better than our first, or that it’s ten fingers and ten toes were easier to count, but there was just something different about having our child at home; something more intense, something less hectic and rushed, something amazing!

June 30, 2005 we brought into this world our first child, a daughter, Jazmyn Sierra. She was beautiful, tiny, and everything a father could ever want! Although things went fine, there are some things we would have liked to have been different; my wife would have liked to remember more of her drugged-up delivery, I would have liked to cut the cord, and we would have like it to be more private. There was something about the 10 people in the room that was uncomfortable; I’m sure they all had their purpose… they needed one nurse to hold towels, another to hold a bag, one to operate the machine that beeped, another to manage the one operating the beeping machine, and two doctors to evaluate the performance of the intern that about dropped our baby, twisted it’s head 360 degrees trying to figure out which way the head went, and getting blood all over from the cord that she forgot to let the husband cut (which we specified as something we wanted to do when they asked us “Do you want to cut the cord?”… Check the “YES” box please!).

One thing is for certain, though, we couldn’t love our daughter more! Despite the little things we could not change our daughter was perfect for us. After Jazmyn was born at 2:07 AM, the excitement wore off after a while, and then we (or I) slept. We spent three days in the hospital (of which my wife claims I slept for two) and we went home with our new baby.

I got the call around 8:30 in the morning, her water had broke and she felt this was it, how long it would be we didn’t know; I was faced with a difficult decision, stick it out for another hour and a half learning Arabic, or leave early and have to call work saying we were about to have a baby and that I will not be coming in for a couple days. So after immediately gathering my things I left for home. On the way home I stopped at the dollar general store to pick up some cheap entertainment for Jazmyn; some toy horses, couple toy whales, and two veggietales movies. Surely that would keep her busy for however long it was going to take. We wanted her to be there with us so we could all enjoy our family’s first moments with the new baby, but we needed her to stay entertained and busy so she wouldn’t hear her mothers pain and continue to ask, “what’s wrong mommy?”. I don’t know if she really knew what was going on or not, but she remained busy the whole time. The trick was to give her the new toys one at a time, as soon as she became bored with it or was starting to move on I would give her the next new toy. After I was down to just a horse, I cued the movies; saved the best for last. Veggietales could keep her entertained for hours, and having two new movies, she would sit there watching for as long as we let her.

When I got home things seemed to be normal. The feeling of this being the day was lurking in the air, but things weren’t as intense as I expected. I was delayed getting home because Dollar General didn’t open until 9:00, and the 25 minute drive got me there 15 minutes before 9:00… It took a few minuets to pick out the right toys for the job but I got them and got out as quick as I could. By the time it seemed to be taking I thought I was going to get home and have to throw the toys onto the floor and sprint down the hall then dive into the bedroom to make the catch of the day. Although that would have been a grand story, fortunately for my body no diving was involved (also lucky for the baby, because I had a bad track record for making the diving catch).

Things were relatively calm; my wife, Traci, was walking around the house making sure everything was prepared. We had towels (unattended), bag (for placenta, also unattended), and a lack of beeping machines, doctors, and other spectators; we were all alone. If it weren’t for the studying and researching we did before making the decision I would have felt a little more uneasy, but the materials we studied (books on home births and emergency child birth books, you know, the ones meant for home births) made us a lot more comfortable and prepared for the event. We had an old sheet over a shower curtain on the bed as a place to birth, plain old dental floss to tie off the umbilical cord, a pair of sanitized scissors for ME to cut the cord with, and several other things we thought may be necessary.

As the day progressed into the early afternoon hours, my wife’s contractions progressed also. Shortly after that we had the baby.

Thanks for reading and I hope… What, you were expecting more? Well, I’d hate to disappoint you:

As I was saying, early in the afternoon her contractions were picking up in intensity and the intervals were closing to not much more than a couple minutes. She felt it was time to really get ready for the fun to begin. I was told before hand that anything she needed would be announced, there were to be no interruptions by me asking, ”is everything ok”?

She spent a lot of time in the shower because it helped her relax a lot more. It was really hard for me to listen to her in pain. Several times I really contemplated on asking if she needed anything; I waited in the hall by the bathroom door for any sign that told me to ask, no such sign came, so I chose to be silent. After she emerged from the bathroom, not asking for anything, just walking to the bedroom to see if the timing was right, I had a feeling I had made the right decision to be silent. I felt a sense of gratification in passing the test of silence she tried so hard to drill into my head.

Her trip to the bedroom was not the first she made. There were several times she took a break from the shower; a couple times she went to the bed, another to the chase (a recliner-like chair you could sit in with your legs fully extended, like it has a built-in ataman), and a couple trips to the kitchen. At one point between shower trips she asked me to make her some hot red raspberry leaf tea to help the contractions become more productive.

When she finally felt the time had come, I prepared the last veggietales movie for Jazmyn and we both went into the bedroom. It felt like the pressure was on for me to make the final catch, like on the last inning if a pop fly was hit right at me and I had to catch the ball to make the game. My heart was pumping faster in a moment of anticipation to finally find out the gender of our new baby, and to see what delivering our baby at home was really going to be like.

My wife was on her hands and knees with her face in a pillow on the bed. She had on a robe and I sat behind her with a towel, waiting to figure out what I was to do next. Her contractions had really picked up, somehow so did her colorful vocabulary. I think back and wonder how fast I would have flown off the bed had I told her to watch her mouth… I wasn’t that brave, and it certainly wasn’t a time to be joking around with her.

As the contractions continued she felt it was time to push. I’m sure there was some communication as to what she was going to do, but I don’t remember the particulars of what she said, so we’ll just say she said “I’m going to push now”. I looked around one last time to make sure I had everything, like it was really going to matter if I said “hold on honey, I forgot to grab the … towels”.

As the labor intensified she began pushing with the contractions. I began encouraging her but my timing was never on queue. Me telling her to push when she wasn’t having contractions wasn’t going well; maybe next time I’ll just concentrate more on catching.

The image of our new baby’s face as it looked up at me will never leave my mind. I was the first person to ever see this child in this world. I was the first person to touch it with my hands. The sight of its face animated immediately sent chills up my spine and gave me a sense of awe and relief! This tiny baby was trying to say hello to the first person who was there to introduce themselves, I am so proud to say that the first person this child experienced in its new life was “daddy”. I could see the life flourishing in the tiny face as mother began pushing again. As the head began accelerating towards my waiting hands the shoulders quickly followed. The skin was a bluish color and at first I began to worry, the reason why escapes me; maybe it’s because no matter how much you read or see in pictures, nothing captures the sense of realism than actually being there and seeing it in person.

After only seconds of holding this baby in my hands, half emerged, Traci finished off with the last push and the baby was out; it was time to announced the presence of our brand new daughter, Londyn Destiny; born at 2:07 PM, 7lbs and 19 inches long.

Seconds seemed like minutes from the time the head emerged to the time I heard her little voice cry out for the first time. The liquid that followed postponed her cry, but when we heard it, it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever heard. I handed her off to her mother who gently sucked out with her mouth what may have been in her air passages and began trying to nurse.

When we knew things were under control, it was time to introduce our two girls. I went into the living room and said “hey Jazmyn, come meet your new sister”. Jazmyn jumped up and followed me into the bedroom where her baby sister was crying. Jazmyn climbed up onto the side of the bed, looked at her crying sister for a few seconds and then jumped down and ran out of the room. Traci and I both wondered what was going through her head; does she know what’s going on? Does she even care about what just happened or where this baby came from? Only seconds after Jazmyn ran out, she ran back in and climbed up onto the side of the bed again and extended her hand out to her sister, in her hand was a nipple from a bottle. She knew why Londyn was crying and she wanted to help, so she did her very best to prepare a bottle for her to eat. It was such an amazing feeling; our two girls seemed to have an immediate bond!

The cord was blue, full of oxygen, blood and nutrients the baby would need in its first minutes of life. We gave it plenty of time for the blood to circulate into her body and wean her off the oxygen supply from the cord. The time went very quickly! We spent some time trying to get her to nurse effectively and getting her wrapped up good. After 45 minutes we tied off the cord and cut it; finally, I was able to do what I had always wanted.

Between the two of us we took turns holding her when she was still attached to the cord. It was exiting be able to hold her even if I had to sit uncomfortable and close to her mother, but when we had her separated from the cord, it was finally time for her to be all mine; I was able to hold her on my own without her being connected to her mother. It was such an awesome feeling being able to hold her so soon after she was born. There was no one there telling us when we could hold her and when we could not. We did not feel rushed to bath her and were not pressured to pump her full of drugs and other things that God obviously didn’t see a need for when he designed us. We were able to bond with our new baby in the first moments of her life!

The remaining umbilical cord and the placenta were yet to be delivered, so as I held Londyn, Traci went to take care of the rest. She was so full of energy and totally collected after delivering her baby, I was amazed that even after the labor and the pain, she practically acted like nothing had even happened.

It took some time for her to take care of the placenta, but when she did she made sure to examine it and make sure everything was in tact and complete, and that nothing was left inside. The placenta was whole; smooth on one side and rough on the other. After examining it myself I dug a hole in the back yard and buried it.

There was something different about my experience that I didn’t have with our first child. It’s not that Londyn is more special to us than Jazmyn, because I could not love one more than the other no matter what the circumstances, but the experience brought with it a sense of wholeness that I had never felt before. It’s a wholeness that I hope to feel again someday, and a feeling I look forward to experiencing once again when God gives us our next gift of happiness.

Now that it's been a while since my last post you should be about on the edge of your seat waiting for me to feed you again with my vacuous insight. I'm sorry to have kept you. Since I've made you wait so long, I'll give you something extra good today.
In my last blog I mentioned a couple things that you may find on my mind, one of which being "music is good for your soal and memory". In my recent past as well as my ancient past I have been very fond and connected to music. Not only because I was a musician (wannabe), but because many things I experienced as a child and in my adult life have been connected with music. Now, this is not just because whenever I hear music the autidory cortex in my brain is activated, nor is it because the dorsolateral frontal cortex works with the auditory cortex to remember the song while the music is held in working status in the brain by the inferior frontal gyrus. No, that is just nonsense! The reason my (and maybe your) memories are so connected with music is because you associate things in your life with what is around you. You remember where that McDonalds is at that truck stop because you remember being at a truck stop and seeing a McDonalds, not because your memory tells you where every McDonalds you have ever been to is located (Remember my last blog I said JUNK FOOD is BAD, McDonalds is JUNK FOOD, how is it not?). Music is the same way, when you hear that Nirvana song on the radio and think of the time you payed that song in a concert and smashed your guitars against a cinder blcok on stage, that's music memory connectivity (not an actual scientific event), and it happens whenever you connect music to a memory.
"So why is it good for your soul and memory?" (don't you love it when I ask questions for you?) Well, it's good for your memory because when you hear that song, you struggle to recall that moment in your life. Sometimes it takes you several minutes to think of it, but you eventually get it because of the strong bond between music and memory. Bringing up those old memories excercises your brain and helps keep it in tip-top shape (this is why my wife would claim I never listen to music!). And it's good for your soul, too, because I say so; don't argue with me, you know I'm right. That little part of you that agreed with me when you read "it's good for your soul, too" is how you know I'm right (it's ok to admit).
Through all this, if you enjoy music even a little, you are a good candidate for music memory connectivity. So go listen to your music and make memories.

(notes on this post: everything in this particular blog about music is based on nothing. No studies were done and no studies were even studied to give you the information within this post. Although I have never heard of "music memory connectivity", you may use the phrase as though you heard it in a college lecture, just remember where you got it...)

*here's a fact for you - I once wrote a song and recorded it but don't remember any of it*


While I'm writing, I'd like to add a few comments on my last post. One of my (first and last time) readers made a comment to me about how I was so wrong about my theories on working and family. This person wrote something to the effect of: "You're wrong". This person claimed to have a completely opposing ideology, being that the only thing you should do is work work work, fish, eat, and work some more. Although this is in opposition to my comments I have to claim that this persons is 100% right in that I am not wrong at all (I love to fish!!!). I believe you should put family first, if putting family first requires you to put family last (ie. you are broke and need more money to support your family). In my example this person is broke, so putting his family time last so he/she can work, is putting his/her family first by making sure he/she can support the family. And to give you an updat, I DID go out and find that second job, and now I'm looking for a third to fill in the other times I can work... TAKE CARE OF YOUR FAMILY!


Here is a little picture for those of you who like pictures to make memories. This picture is of a black hole emmitting a plasma gas... It's pretty cool. If I knew when I was going to die, I would plan a trip to a black hole in outer space (as opposed to "inner" space) so that I can get sucked in and experience a death no one else on earth has ever experienced! That's how I would make history books, first human to be sucked into a black hole (never mind the 1,073,972 years it would take to get there travelling at 1,000 MPH).

Wow, here it is, my very first blog; my first attempt at getting people to read what's on my mind in the form of a cool internet site. What better way to spend your free time than on a cool internet site that gives you entertainment, information, and a way to tell me and others about what you think of what I think... "So what do you think" You ask? Well, I'm glad you asked, but you're going to have to wait for that answer, because before we get into the "nitty-gritty" of my thoughts I'd like to cover some other things.
First of all, welcome to my site! I'm glad you're taking the time to visit and see what's on my mind. Some things you'll find on my mind are:

Family is always first!
Music is good for your soul and memory (I'll tell you how later)!
Junk food is BAD!
Mt. Dew is GOOD (not really "good", but GOOD, if you know what I mean)!

just for starters. You'll also find some helpful tips, tricks, and information that you may (or may not) find interesting, helpful, wrong, or a waste of time (hopefully a good combination of these things). Check out some of my other thoughts, ideas, and even inventions on the sides of this page.

So now that we're off to a good start I'll give you something to think about, hopefully something that will get you up and working towards your life goal!
My life goal has been to rais a family. Since I was a young child I thought about how much fun it was going to be to have a family of my own. Having a clan of my own would mean i had freedom from my parents and their rules, I could live the way I wanted without having to worry about making it home in time for my curfew (which I normally didn't). Now I do have a family, a wonderful wife and two beautiful daughters. We live in a home which we own (or will "own" in thirty years). I have a great full time job which is exactly what I've always wanted to do and has great potential. We have found a great church which we enjoy attending. All this that I (we) have is what I've always wanted, and what I've found isn't really what I originally had in mind or expected.
I have freedom, the freedom to go to work every day in order to pay all our bills and make sure my family can eat. I can live the way I want, as long as it's within budget (budget??? yeah right). No worries about having to be home in time to make curfew, I can come home as late as I want... to see my family and help put the kids to bed, and mow the yard, and pay the bills (there's the bills again...). Truth is, this whole family thing is't what I expected. Maybe it was "adult-hood" I was looking forward to, who knows, but either way I would not trade it for the world! I love my wife more than I've ever loved (or will ever love) anyone. My daughters are a perfect reflection of my wife and I, but I can't hold that agains them... they make up for that part by being adorable, smart, cuddly, and worth every second.
My point is, family is all you're ever going to have that will last. You can work 150 hours a week, make billions of dollars a year, have all the earthly pleasures you could dream for, but in the end what "will" you have? I'll tell you; you would have tons of money that you're past and divorced wives, their new children, lawyers, and any business associate you've ever had, all fighting over what you gracefully left behind (may you rest in peace... and be out of their way). I'm not saying that family won't do that when you're gone, but at least you will have been loved for who you were and not what you had. So this "Family First" I mentioned that is so important to me means this: What would you do if tomorrow was your last day to provide for your family? Would you go on that fishing trip you've been wanting to go on? Would you try and put the kids to bed ealry so you can play that new video game you got from your brother? Would you put off the bills for just one more day because you just don't feel like doing anything tonight? Guilty...Guilty...Guilty as charged! Truth is that you don't know when your last days are going to be, so we have the luxury of putting things off in ignorance, that's right I said ignorance! We are all ignorant; we are all ignorant to the fact that we could be dead in a matter of minutes. If I were to die right now typing this drawn-out blog (would you be happy it's finally done?) I would leave my family in a bad way! So I'm going to try and find that second job to get our credit cards paid off, I'm going to try and think of new ways to channel our money so for once we will not have more month when our money is gone. I'm going to put my family first because that's all I have!

*Here's a fact for you, if for some reason i couldn't have had a family, I would have gone to be a sniper*

I hope you enjoyed my firsf blog! Feel free to make any comments you want, and please come back to visit!